After I enumerated all sorts of benefits and rewards that PM can bring, the answer I got was still a firm "NO". Some of his reasons seemed like excuses to me, some were even quite silly. I was about to lose my patience (as I "sometimes" do with my husband) and asked him," How come that you cannot just trust me and go? What will you lose if you go? You will have the chance to bash it unmercifully after you really get to know what it is. You can even accuse me of anything you want. (My husband was referring to it as a cult...)" He got a little emotional as well, "I just don't understand why I do not have the freedom to choose what I would like to do or not to do. I remember that you have told me many times that you do not like being told what to do. If so, why are you still forcing others to do what they don't like to do? Can't you understand that nobody likes being told or forced to do things? I have given you the freedom to attend whatever events you like. Can't you give me the freedom to choose too?"
All of a sudden, I had a revelation moment, just like the ones that I had during PM. My husband was right. I should not have imposed my ideas on him, even if I thought that they would benefit him. Everybody has their own logical thinking and reasoning and they would know themselves the best in the end. Maybe I really did not understand how much my husband was worried about me being 8-month pregnant and taking care of Guagua by myself if he went to the PM event. Maybe he really is at the stage where he knows what he wants and how he will get there and does not need too much outside help. I should be thankful that he is not just agreeing with whatever I say. After all, he is my husband, who has his own judgement. And, to me, I learnt the lesson that TO LOVE IS TO ACCEPT.
That is the end of the discussion, that is, until he sees some major positive changes in me (I guess).
Lucy, great post and thanks for your sharing! I like your title "To love is to accept". You have done a very right thing to stop pushing him. The final goal is to achieve outstanding marriage, not to attend Klemmer seminar. Attending Klemmer is only one approach, and not the only one. It may not work for everyone and it may require right timing. There are many other ways to achieve the goal. It is actually NOT quite right if a couple must both attend Klemmer to obtain great marriage, which indeed makes Klemmer look like a cult.
ReplyDelete@iceriver, thanks for the great comment. I am still learning and implementing the Klemmer work everyday. Now I understand that to influence somebody (i.e. my husband), I have to start with changing myself. Each day I came to the realization of how what I did unconsciously before had shaped my husband's responses and maybe even personalities in certain ways. I am confident that I can make both of us become better persons by changing my own behaviors and without him going to the Klemmer seminar. Being around him everyday, I have more power and influence on him than this 2.5-day seminar.:)
DeleteI think this result is more touching than the result we all expected.
ReplyDeleteWhen i first read the title, i thought Wow, good job, her husband would like to go. Then, after finishing the whole story, I kind of like this result better because this will be the result we often get in our every day life. It's painful to try to change others. The one we can change is always ourselves.
Thanks for sharing!
Yes, it is painful if we try to change others by telling them what to do. Recently I realized that to change others, we have to start from changing ourselves first. I remembered what Vivian's mentor said to her, "Be mindful of the people you surround yourself with, because they are going to become part of you later." If this is the case, people who are around us will take part of us into their characters as well. This way, we can change others by changing ourselves first. I should thank Vivian for this enlightening sharing. :)
DeleteIt is very touching sharing. I am in the same line with you, since I have never succeeded at persuading my husband to take any class or go to church. Probably I am not a good persuasionists, or not a good convincing example. :) But anyway, I respect his decision. As iceriver said, there is not only one way to achieve their life goals. I am the one who didn't continue to take the advance class since I found the other way -- being a Christine. :)Reading the Bible and listening the preaching make me filled of love, which is the essential of the life. No matter how intelligent we are, how much knowledge we know, and even how uplifting we become, the best characteristic which bring us happiness is love. :) (My own opinion)
ReplyDeleteAnd I read your another blog too, found that your husband has the different personality as you, he already knows what to do, what he want, and has been working on it!! He is very clear about the law of the success!! -- Focus :)Then at this stage, he probably doesn't need the uplifting inspiration :)
Rita
Thanks for your sharing. Yes, my husband is a very determined person. I hope this will bring him success with some open-mindedness. And I need to learn from his capability to focus too. That's what makes us a good couple. ：）
DeleteThank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteBased on the outcome of this story, I think, on the one hand, you are very considerate. On the other, Steve is a strong-minded and not reactive person. :-)
BTW, is it the saying "do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire" （己所不欲，勿施于人）,even "others" here refers to your husband. Hehe
Instead of something I did not desire myself, I was trying to impose on him what I desired. :) But it is true that I should not have imposed my ideas on him no matter if I desired them or not. After all, one person's honey could be another person's poison （甲之蜜糖，乙之砒霜）.
DeleteI've also been having a hard time struggling with the disagreement or different choices between my husband and myself, but recently I'm getting to cherish it, it's like he opened a whole other world to "stubborn" me:) I loved your other post too and admired all those efforts you spent on searching your own direction, there are still a lot of "possible directions" on my list and I haven't even started yet :P
ReplyDeleteI know you are taking your second baby but didn't know you are 8-month pregant, the same with me! I'm 30+ weeks now, carrying a big big belly and don't even know whether it is a boy or a girl :-)
Congratulations on your baby! I did not know you were pregnant. Enjoy this time without the baby since it is going to be a lot of work. :) I was just kidding... You will love being a mother to this wonderful angel!
DeleteI am only 24 weeks pregnant now. I will be 8 months pregnant by the time the seminar takes place. That's why my husband was worried since I may be too big to take care of a toddler and myself.